GIG: Assemblage23 (Manchester)

What sort of major city has NCP car parks that shut at 11pm? FFS. After a lot of pissing about, we ended up parking in the car park for the Academy and walking up the road about fifteen minutes to The Zoo. It's actually a pretty decent venue, although I don't know how good it would be if it was really busy, because the stage is a bit low.

Still, we ended up on a little raised bit the side of the stage (next to the loos) so we had a decent view. It would have been even better if the pillar wasn't there, and the distracting, scary lesbians snogging each others faces off every few minutes. Actually there seemed a lot of friends of Dorothy in tonight, leading to some highly amusing camp cavorting...

But, I digress. Last time we saw Assemblage23 it was a bit of a let down, partly because we were watching the clock cos we had to catch a train (and had to leave early in the end), and partly because it was London, and partly because Tom didn't seen particularly engaged, and partly because we didn't know about half the songs played!

Tonight was much better, with only a couple of songs we weren't 100% aware of, and Tom was much more animated and into it. It was a pretty good setlist, sadly no 'Greed', but a few from the new album. Oddly, Tom finished the set with 30K Feet, which is a studio track that really doesn't lend itself to being performed live, but this was a small quibble. Pretty hard to call now whether this or Cyferdyne is gig of the year so far...

SHOPPING: Trafford Centre (Manchester)

It doesn't seem like five minutes since we were at the Trafford Centre, and indeed it wasn't... but as we were coming up for the Assemblage 23 gig, we thought we'd go again anyway. We managed to get Rose some earrings for her upcoming birthday and I managed to get a look at the new Formula One Tag Heuer Manchester United model... other than that, it was nice to potter, the Breitling shop still isn't open, and we found that there's a whole other part of it that we didn't know about, which was weird!

SHOPPING: Bicester Village

Twice in a week for me, and only about six weeks since were last here. Our first stop was Swarovski, were we chuckled at assorted abominations in crystal, before heading around the corner to Kate Spade.

It was bargains galore in here, with the whale cross-body reduced to just £89 and with a further 20% to come off that! Rose wasn't convinced however and chose a nice simple bag with a pattern of rose on it for her birthday.

Next stop was Marc Jacobs, followed by Superdry and Missoni. A brief detour into Hour Passion and L'Atelier and then on to the TAG shop. There then followed a very stressful time as I struggled to decide whether to buy a Monaco 24 which had been reduced by £1200, and was then further reduced by £245!

In the end I decided against it, because it wasn't the right model for me, but it was hard to down such an offer as the asking price of £4650 was much less than it's potential second hand value. Somebody is going to snag themselves an absolute bargain.

We also found another shop called Time & Gems, which is a shit name for a shop frankly. They had a good selection of Ulysse Nardin and Girard Perregaux, supplemented by an assortment of cheap Jean Richard tat. I quite liked one of the Girard Perregaux watches, a diver with a green rehaut.

It's called a Sea Hawk Mission of the Mermaids, or some such bollocks... I didn't buy that either!

SHOPPING: Bicester Village

Rich and I made a mad dash from work and somehow managed to get to Bicester Village by 5:50pm. We had a very quick look in Kate Spade and saw the Ice Cream bag, but couldn't find the roses bag that Rose was interested in.

We moved on to Hour Passion and had a quick look at the Swatch watches in there, which were surprisingly inexpensive. I also saw quite a cool looking Mido in their which was reduced from £1400 to about £900.

We left there fairly sharpish and headed over to L'Atelier, which wasn't much different to when I was there in early February. So we didn't stay there that long all told and headed off to the TAG Heuer shop. Some good stuff in there, and I finally got to see the yellow dial Calibre S Aquaracer, but I couldn't commit to it.

Also tried on the Grand Carrera with the orange stitching again and decided it's definitely not worth £4300!

HOLIDAY: Manchester / Lancaster

Our little break started (as all good breaks do) at the Cheshire Oaks retail outlet. The TAG shop didn't really have anything new to offer, and I was slightly disheartened to see that the orange stitched Grand Carrera I'd been thinking about was priced at £4200 not somewhere mid £3000. Hmm...

We visited quite a few shops here, Lulu Guinness, Thorntons, Reebok, Oakley and of course The Works. We also visited the newly opened 'Hotel Chocolat' shop which offered some discounts over the high street shops, but not a great deal.

Rose found some shoes she sort of liked in Kurt Geiger, although they seemed a bargain at £29 (down from £80) when she turned them over there was a sticker on them pricing them at £19. The cheek!

We lunched at 'Cafe Rouge', where we had a fairly mediocre chicken and chips (with a pot of stone cold Thyme gravy - which we both ignored). Upon ordering the waitress asked if we wanted to order any vegetables with our meal, but Rose pointed out that we were on holiday and so, no... frankly.

We also visited Radley, were Rose pondered a dog shaped handbag but decided it was too impractical, even though it looked very cool. For some reason two of the designs weren't as reduced as the others, which was slightly annoying. But in the end Rose decided against it anyway.

We eventually adjourned to the Premier Inn opposite the Trafford Centre (again) and spent a couple of hours there chilling before going to see Tarja at the Academy 2 (review HERE).

The next day we crossed the road to the Trafford Centre where we idled away a few hours. I tried on a couple of TAG Heuers, including a brand new Carrera with a brown strap and beige lume.

Later in Kurt Geiger we saw some cool shoes that Rose tried on. They were kind of mesh with some small gold highlights and a sensible heel, but Rose wasn't entirely convinced for £120 - but if they appear at the outlet for £40 then they might get a second chance.

I also briefly saw Angela Rippon, who was filming an episode of Rip-Off Britain at the centre, which isn't something you see everyday!

From the Trafford Centre we set sail for Lancaster and in particular the White Cross where we had planned to have dinner. Truth be told it didn't look quite as impressive as it did in the pictures, but it was okay. We had another fairly average meal there (a burger, served with some foul smelling concoction in a small pot, which we both ignored) and left without troubling the pudding menu.

A short walk away we found Lancaster Cathedral, which was unmanned and free to enter. Probably just as well really as it only took about ten minuted to look around... we left a donation anyway and headed off to the Premier Inn (via the one way system and J Sainsbury where we had a thirty minute free parking window to grab what we wanted... not helped by a student needing to buy two carrier bags and paying by credit card - 10p I shit you not!).

We checked in and headed up to our room, which we soon decided was going to be too noisy as it was right by the stairs and lift (the stairs and floorboards were quite creaky). Thankfully we got a different room without any fuss and had to repack and move right to the end of a long corridor, perfect.

As the Premier Inn was attached to a Brewers Fayre we nipped across for a drink before getting ready to go out. This night we saw Cyferdyne, Leth and Cincinnati Box at the Yorkshire House pub (separate review HERE).

After the gig we tried to visit Sainsbury's again, but it was closed and then on the way back to the hotel we stopped at a garage but the numpty in there wouldn't let us in to buy wine and crisps so we gave up and went back to the Premier Inn.

In the morning we packed up our stuff and booked out, saying goodbye to the comedy Yorkshireman on reception who reminded me a little of Bobby Ball. He asked where we were off to and we told him we were planning to go to Morecambe. He looked at us as if we were mental and said 'Well that will take you half an hour' what are you doing the rest of the day...

He wasn't entirely wrong, we actually stayed for forty five minutes, but that was enough really. We saw the statue of Eric Morcombe which was less than completely scintillating, but was probably the best thing on offer, perhaps save the Reebok factory shop which we couldn't actually find.. not that we tried very hard.

We walked along the front for a while and saw the 'Midland Hotel' which looked quite plush, then walked back again and saw a hovercraft being launched. Then walked back to the car and sat at a red light for an eternity before we could begin the long journey home.

We had planned to visit the 'George and Dragon' in Holmes Chapel (junction 18 of the M6) but decided instead we'd rather get home. It's a pity really as it looks very nice, but after two indifferent meals out in a row we were less than enthused about chancing another one, besides it won't be long until we're heading up that way again.

GIG: Cyferdyne (Lancaster)

But for the fact that we were in Manchester the night before to see Tarja, I doubt we would have traveled all the way to Lancaster to see this, but I'm glad we did as it was great fun and is currently our gig of the year so far.

We managed to get a parking space in the car park opposite the 'Yorkshire House' pub and on entering quickly realised that this was not a place in which to enquire about a wine list. Indeed, there seemed to be no wine on offer, although we later realised there was a wide and varied selection of wines made from fruit, just not any made of grapes.

So we ordered a couple of very flat cokes and listened to someone covering Judas Priest's 'The Sentinel' on the jukebox (possibly Machine Head) while we waited to be let upstairs. Finally, just after 9pm the door opened and we climbed the steps to be greeted by Andy McBain of Cyferdyne, who said hello, commented on my Shiv-R shirt and disappeared. To be fair he seemed to have a lot on his plate. He looked rather different from the last time we'd seen him (at Resistanz) since he's lost his trademark Cyferdyne haircut!

We sat on some bar stools near the bar for a bit and then moved a bit nearer the stage, finding another little table that was festooned with glow sticks and lolipops. We struggled with the glowsticks and eventually managed to secure them around our wrists and people watched for a while. A few people started arriving including a couple of older Cybergoths who were dressed quite unusually and we struggled at first to decide if it was two women or a man and a women (fairly sure it was the latter), then it was time for Cincinnati Box (comprising Andy and Ste of headliners Cyferdyne).

It was (apparently) largely unrehearsed covers in an electro-pop style. We didn't recognize a single song and I'm not sure anyone else did either. Actually I thought the music was quite good, but the choice of songs and the vocals were a bit lacking...

Jay Android had to cancel so the band drafted in a last minute replacement called 'Leth'. This was some mildly nutty character who announced that we were about to hear 'the biggest load of unrehearsed bollocks' we'd ever heard... which may be true.

It was certainly nothing like anything I'd ever heard and I loved the fact that he had a whacking great backdrop, that just made it all the more surreal. Leth is kind of like electronic folk with the delivery of a Shakespearean actor. It sounds horrendous and it kind of was, but at the same time it was kind of endearing and shot through with sufficient oddness to make it 'interesting' for a while.

Leth included in his set 'Runaway' by Del Shannon and an impromptu version of 'Don't You Want Me Baby' by The Human League. Most of the crowd remained largely indifferent it has to be said and no one was particularly sad when the set drew to a close. To be fair to Leth he apparently only had one day to prepare and he clearly committed to his performance.

This was the third time we'd seen Cyferdyne, and I'd have to say it was probably the best. Whereas at Resistanz they looked slightly 'amateur' in comparison to bands like Grendel, here they reveled in the atmosphere of playing in front of people they know and performed a blinding set. 'Clockwork' was an obvious buzzkill, but that aside Cyferdyne went down extremely well and launched themselves to the top of our gig chart for 2017.

GIG: Tarja (Manchester)

TARJA - Until My Last Breath (Live in Manchester 2017)

This was our second time seeing Tarja as a solo artist, and after a very good performance at Rock City on the 'Colours in the Dark' tour, we were looking forward to this one.

We found the car park easily enough and walked around the block to the front of the Academy where we were greeted by the ever friendly security (that's not sarcasm by the way, super friendly doormen work here!).

We tootled over to the merchandise stall where the T-shirts were marked up as costing '50' and the CDs '30'. We thought this seemed a tad on the expensive side, but the girl serving assured as that actually the T-shirts were £25 and the CDs were £15. I'm still slightly confused as to where the T-shirts were '50' anything, since the Euro isn't that far off sterling (at least not yet anyway).

Rose decided she wasn't going to spend £25 on a T-shirt she could read a book through and we toddled up the stairs to the Academy 2 where (as before) a man with a pen scribbled a two on our wrists. You'd think they could afford some sort of stamp perhaps... but no, a scribbled two is good enough security apparently.

The support band had finished (thankfully) and it seemed we had a twenty five minute wait to endure, not too bad at all, and happily the venue was much less packed than when we had seen Delain here (which was ridiculous frankly). Well this 25 minute wait turned into forty minutes (just as the 11pm curfew would turn into an 11:10 curfew later on!).

Things started well with a track off the (not quite as good as the last one) new album, followed by '500 Letters', but after that it seemed to be song after song I didn't know... Rose probably knew them but I was clueless. It was okay though, Tarja gushed endlessly about her life and living her dream and claimed that music that had taken her to so many beautiful places (surprisingly no one in the room shouted 'and Manchester', sadly...).

Heartfelt as it may be, this got a little tiring after a while. We know you love us and how ecstatically happy you are to be here... but for God's sake don't play another slow song. Pretty please.... and for Heaven's sake stop throwing the horns and dancing awkwardly, it's embarrassing!

The low point of the set was undoubtedly the acoustic section. Nothing kills the atmosphere like the sight of six stools being arranged on the stage (insert your own joke here) and sure enough the next ten minutes or so were as painful as you'd expect, I even had a very drunk man tap me on the shoulder and apologize for the noise as he was trying to strangle himself.

When the acoustic waffle was over surely the band would lanch into something we ALL knew, something high energy, something to lift the set out of it's malaise. Sadly not, it was another slow song I didn't know, during which two members of the audience started having a row. There was lots of shouting culminating in the phrase 'You're a fucking twat' and then a security guard led one of them off to the back of the room. I'm pretty sure the guy came back and walked past me, stood watching for a few minutes and then hurled a bottle at the stage and then stomped off out again... why he couldn't have done that during the painful acoustic set I'll never know.

Camera phone wielding was taken to epic new heights at this gig, and at one point I looked at the screen of the miserable arse-wipe in front of me to see a very good view of seven or eight other iPhones and Tarja peering through the middle of the lot. What absolute arseholes these people really are, something needs to be done and Rose and I think the answer is clear, in future we will thrown Mint Imperials at them.

Tarja and the guys segued into a bit of Ghost Love Score at one point, which was too little too late frankly. 'The Ritual' was a high point along with 'Until My Last Breath', but generally the performance was a bit shoddy around the edges. I stopped hoping for 'Anteroom of Death' after a while as I stopped believing in their ability to do it justice. Thankfully they didn't play it, and eventually the show drew to a close.

It's fair to say the show wasn't as good as the Rock City show on the last tour, but it wasn't without it's good bits. Obviously the acoustic bit was utter toss and should be jettisoned with great haste, but overall it was okay. A bit too long for sure, and not enough 'hits', certainly not enough high energy tracks anyway, but okay.